Archive for the Rants Category

Win vs. Fail #2 Video Game Controllers

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2008 by mfugett

There will be massive WIN in this thread.


Wiimote + Nunchuck. Only the pill popping, acid tripping Asian sensation known as Nintendo could have ever devised this technological marvel. How do I know they’re on drugs? Well They certainly didn’t come up with a plumber that eats fuckin mushrooms to grow bigger sober. Pikmin? Man I wonder who their supplier is and what he’s giving them over there. In all seriousness though this thing kicks so much ass it’s inconceivable. Judging from Nintendo’s profits it also prints money, lots of fucking money, it has to. How else do you make almost a BILLION dollars in a quarter?

This 1/2 pound amalgamation of buttons, accelerometers, and an infrared camera is pure fucking genius. Not only because of how it works but because it works so well. Also it took the 30 year old controller concept that we’re used to and shoved it into obsolescence. No scratch that, it wtfpwned the 30 year old controller. Thank God. What I really like it for is that when I first played Super Mario Galaxy it felt like the first time I played Super Mario Brothers. It felt new, different, and unlike anything I ever played before. I got that giddy feeling you get when you bang a chick you thought you had no hope of ever getting. Hell after I took a break from my first play of SMG I had a fuckin cigarette. It’s that good.

Everyone laughed when they introduced it, Sony mocked them, Microsoft said they had no hope. Meanwhile almost 3 years later Nintendo is sitting at the best table in the club with all the hot women ordering bottles of dom, ordering lap dances for everyone, and smokin phat blunts yelling, “WHO’S THE BITCH NOW!” I’m proud of you guys, now can we get some storage for my poor little Wii please?


The Saturn Japanese 6 button controller, the Dreamcast controller, XBOX controller S, and every other controller Nintendo ever made all WIN.

The Saturn pad was the PERFECT fighting game pad ever made. Don’t fuckin argue this one with me. You don’t agree, tough shit and fuck you I AM right on this one. Great feel, perfect button layout, and comfortable as hell. Somehow, they made this thing just the right size and still made it fully functional. For some reason, they redesigned it for the US into a pile of pure shit. Wait, not just a pile, a mountain. Fortunately someone there got high or something and realized, “Dude, we really fucked up that redesign, what we made blows balls, let’s give the Americans a real controller.” Thank you buddy. Cause if you hadn’t done that I would have probably blown up Sega of America in protest.

The DC pad was a great follow up. They put the analog stick in the right spot for proper gaming, and gave us true analog triggers. Something it took Sony 3 generations of hardware to figure out, and they still haven’t got it right. The VMU was a novel idea that developers were too scared to do cool things with. Fuck you devs out there for not trying. Seriously. Although it was shit for fighting games, except Soul Calibur, it was still a good controller for everything else. I really wish you guys still made hardware. 😦

The Controller S was basically a rip of the DC pad, but a correct rip, adding 2 extra buttons, and a more ergonomic feel. It wins for all the reasons mentioned above. This is one of the few M$ products that I’ll stand behind till the day I die. Now can I get a good game that’s not a shooter on 360 please?

The Nes and SNES controllers set the standard for everything to come. a Proper D-pad, which is patented by the way, good button layout, etc. The N64 gave us analog control as well. Again, they put it in the right place. What exactly do I mean by that? The analog stick is positioned in such a way that when you move your thumb forward you’re pointing straight up. On the controller that FAILS, moving your thumb forward moves the stick right. They also put a nifty octagon at the limits of the sticks movement, so it’s easy to lock in up+right, down + left etc. The GC added a second stick and analog triggers to boot. The stick on that controller also feels much better and has the same resistance no matter how far or close to off center you are. It takes the same amount of effort to move it regardless of where it is.


Playstation controllers. They haven changed in 10 years. 10 fuckin years. Really, are these guys that uncreative? first let’s not forget the initial PS3 controller design:

Ur doin it wrong

Umm..... WTF is this?

Wow, I almost forgot how shitty this is! They made fun of the Wiimote after creating this thing? I just threw up in my mouth a bit after seeing it. Even Link wouldn’t use this boomerang. After being laughed out of E3 they reverted back to what we have today. While more attractive, it’s just as shitty.

10 year old design should work just fine rite?

10 year old design should work just fine rite?

These things are small, really small. Like the size of a midget’s dick small. Did I also mention that it’s 10 years old? I did? Good, I’ll say it again, it’s 10 years old. This just shows that at the end of the day Sony is just another media company that can’t truly create anything without ripping everyone else off first. Where do we start?

The buttons have a real lack of feel to them, you have to second guess if you pressed them or not. The Analog triggers have too small a movement range and variable resistance. This variable resistance also translates to the analog sticks, which are STILL in the wrong fucking place. You wouldn’t put a clutch pedal on the ceiling in the car would you? Why would you then make a controller for a 3D game system and put the 3D controls in a secondary position? WHY just fuckin WHY?

Then there is SIXAXIS. Holy fuck is it absolute shit. They saw at the eleventh hour, that the Wii had their motion controllers. Even though they laughed at them in secret they went, “Holy shit, new technology we didn’t think of, quick, rip it off as fast as fucking possible!” They did, and FAILED miserably. I mean really, why did they even bother. Didn’t they learn anything from Sega when they shoehorned in 3D capabilities in the Saturn at the last minute? Did they learn anything from 3DO by releasing at an absurd price? Didn’t they learn anything from Nintendo about making a system easy to make games for?

If there is any true symbol of the PS3’s failure (and yes it has failed) this controller is it. It also shows that they just don’t learn from their or others mistakes. Oh well, at least they’ll be okay for all the people who use PS3’s solely a s media center, it can navagate menus pretty well.


Win vs. Fail #1 Cellphone Companies

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2008 by mfugett


Metro PCS. Really. I used to have one of these when I was in Florida and you got unlimited everything for 55 bucks, and that’s with all the bullshit fees. I could surf the web as I pleased, talk to my mom in California as much as I wanted, run AIM, text my heart away, and never, EVER pay more than 55 dollars. Now coverage was spotty in the space coast area, but in Miami I got full signal everywhere. If the coverage was on par with the other carriers it would have been an epic win. Less that stellar coverage being the only drawback, it’s still a win.

This company started in 2002, and today in 2008 has 4 Million subscribers. Not a lot, but they’ve recently caught the eye of some of the bigger wireless carriers as they have unlimited plans now. (Which as you’ll soon see these carriers are charging a metric fuckton for their plans). The best part about all of this, NO FUCKING 2 YEAR CONTRACT! Really, I don’t know what’s going to happen in 2 years, do you? I don’t like being forced into keeping something if I don’t like it anymore. I like that as much as I like being fucked in the ass, which is to say, not at all.

Credit check? no that’s another bullshit thing about cell phones that these people sat down and said, “Hey that’s not cool man, let’s not do that shit to our customers.” It works like this, you go to the store, you buy the phone, you pay the bill after the first months service, to cancel, stop paying the bill, as long as you have the phone you can re-activate it at any time. NO CANCELLATION FEES, because they don’t subsidize the phones. Painless, as it should be.

The shopping experience is great, I got my phone in 5 minutes, and NO accessories were pushed on me, I hate that. That’s because the sales people aren’t on commission, another WIN. I walked in, said, “Give me that motherfucker right there” paid, and was done with it. Even though I didn’t want any accessories but I did have a look at them while they were activating the phone. They were reasonable priced, except for the Bluetooth headsets, but those are overpriced everywhere and I can assure you, they had those things at the lowest prices they could. (Bluetooth headset prices = FAIL by the way) Anyway on to…


Everyone else. Yes, all those fuckers.

Verizon, Sprint, AT&T, Alltel, and TMobile. The last two really FAIL in the most spectacular way, you’ll see soon.

  • They ALL have contracts
  • They ALL have credit checks
  • They ALL have cancellation fees
  • They ALL nickel and dime you for every service that you add
  • They ALL charge too much motherfucking money to really not give you that much more.
  • They ALL have overpriced accessories
  • They ALL have sales people on commission

I mentioned in the WIN portion of this post about the quick and easy shopping experience with Metro PCS, well I recently got a chance to visit a Verizon store. I would have rather walked over hot coals and broken glass, while having to listen to rap music and getting a truck shoved up my ass than go into this store.

First I’m greeted by the manager, no problem there, he actually looked happy to see us there, so far I’m not annoyed yet. I tell him EXACTLY what I’m looking for, which is the cheapest phone and the cheapest plan, that will be added to my granddads account, with it’s own minutes. Usually people get annoyed that you aren’t getting the 400 dollar phone at 200 dollars a month, but he just smiled and said, “Okay then, if you’ll just sign in at this touch terminal here…”


Instantly, I’m steaming, I mean really fucking mad. I drove 15 hours the day before, saw my son for the first time in ages, I’ve been awake for 42 of the last 48 hours. I do not want to deal with time wasting bullshit like this. Supressing all my rage, I help my grandad put the irrelevant info into the terminal. After we do this he tells us, “Someone will be with you shortly.” What the fuck? Nani? Did I hear that right? Weren’t you just here. Are you that far above everyone else that you can’t help a fucking customer. What the hell is there to manage in there anyway. Don’t you realize that you’re an overpaid babysitter. Raise 5 hyperactive kids while dealing with serious shit and then maybe you can call yourself that, you motherfucker. I really wanted to rip his balls off, but my grandad is there and I didn’t want to give him a heart attack so I decided not to.

We wait a few minutes, and some guy WAVES us over to the counter, he does not even come over to greet us, and then we have to tell him again what we want. It goes smoothly after that, except for the look on the guys face, because he wasn’t getting a fat comission, and had no hopes of getting one. Fuck you, asshole!

When I was in Naples, I went to get a replacement charger for the company phone I had with Sprint . They wanted 40 dollars. I’m sure you can figure out how much I enjoyed that. I got one online for 10 bucks with free shipping.

These guys FAIL at unlimited plans as well, check this out

The FAIL is strong with these guys!

The FAIL is strong with these guys!

I think I proved my point.

This leads to… The commissioned asshole! Yes these providers will try to nickel and dime you for every cent you’re worth. Again Verizon. My granddad broke his phone as most of us do eventually. Now, he’s not the most technically proficient person, which is okay, he’s old, he’s allowed. If you are under 50 though, you’d better know your shit, or else you’re a moron. They sold him a fucking phone with a music player, mobile Internet capabilities that his plan does not even cover, a bluetooth headset he never uses, and all sorts of other bells and whistles that no one really needs,  AND a 40 dollar fucking car charger. Again with the 40 dollar chargers. 40 bucks for a damn transformer. I haven’t seen people get anally gangbanged like that since the last place I worked. I’ll not mention the company name, but we were raping people harder than this, if you can believe it.

The other thing that really makes me want to go on a killing spree is the credit check. Why is this necessary? If they don’t pay you turn the fucking phone off. that’s gotta be cheaper than running credit checks a billion times a day. You guys are truly assholes for this.

Okay, I think I’m going to stop here, I made my point. Don’t like it, boo hoo, deal bitch.