Archive for sales

Win vs. Fail #1 Cellphone Companies

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 13, 2008 by mfugett


Metro PCS. Really. I used to have one of these when I was in Florida and you got unlimited everything for 55 bucks, and that’s with all the bullshit fees. I could surf the web as I pleased, talk to my mom in California as much as I wanted, run AIM, text my heart away, and never, EVER pay more than 55 dollars. Now coverage was spotty in the space coast area, but in Miami I got full signal everywhere. If the coverage was on par with the other carriers it would have been an epic win. Less that stellar coverage being the only drawback, it’s still a win.

This company started in 2002, and today in 2008 has 4 Million subscribers. Not a lot, but they’ve recently caught the eye of some of the bigger wireless carriers as they have unlimited plans now. (Which as you’ll soon see these carriers are charging a metric fuckton for their plans). The best part about all of this, NO FUCKING 2 YEAR CONTRACT! Really, I don’t know what’s going to happen in 2 years, do you? I don’t like being forced into keeping something if I don’t like it anymore. I like that as much as I like being fucked in the ass, which is to say, not at all.

Credit check? no that’s another bullshit thing about cell phones that these people sat down and said, “Hey that’s not cool man, let’s not do that shit to our customers.” It works like this, you go to the store, you buy the phone, you pay the bill after the first months service, to cancel, stop paying the bill, as long as you have the phone you can re-activate it at any time. NO CANCELLATION FEES, because they don’t subsidize the phones. Painless, as it should be.

The shopping experience is great, I got my phone in 5 minutes, and NO accessories were pushed on me, I hate that. That’s because the sales people aren’t on commission, another WIN. I walked in, said, “Give me that motherfucker right there” paid, and was done with it. Even though I didn’t want any accessories but I did have a look at them while they were activating the phone. They were reasonable priced, except for the Bluetooth headsets, but those are overpriced everywhere and I can assure you, they had those things at the lowest prices they could. (Bluetooth headset prices = FAIL by the way) Anyway on to…


Everyone else. Yes, all those fuckers.

Verizon, Sprint, AT&T, Alltel, and TMobile. The last two really FAIL in the most spectacular way, you’ll see soon.

  • They ALL have contracts
  • They ALL have credit checks
  • They ALL have cancellation fees
  • They ALL nickel and dime you for every service that you add
  • They ALL charge too much motherfucking money to really not give you that much more.
  • They ALL have overpriced accessories
  • They ALL have sales people on commission

I mentioned in the WIN portion of this post about the quick and easy shopping experience with Metro PCS, well I recently got a chance to visit a Verizon store. I would have rather walked over hot coals and broken glass, while having to listen to rap music and getting a truck shoved up my ass than go into this store.

First I’m greeted by the manager, no problem there, he actually looked happy to see us there, so far I’m not annoyed yet. I tell him EXACTLY what I’m looking for, which is the cheapest phone and the cheapest plan, that will be added to my granddads account, with it’s own minutes. Usually people get annoyed that you aren’t getting the 400 dollar phone at 200 dollars a month, but he just smiled and said, “Okay then, if you’ll just sign in at this touch terminal here…”


Instantly, I’m steaming, I mean really fucking mad. I drove 15 hours the day before, saw my son for the first time in ages, I’ve been awake for 42 of the last 48 hours. I do not want to deal with time wasting bullshit like this. Supressing all my rage, I help my grandad put the irrelevant info into the terminal. After we do this he tells us, “Someone will be with you shortly.” What the fuck? Nani? Did I hear that right? Weren’t you just here. Are you that far above everyone else that you can’t help a fucking customer. What the hell is there to manage in there anyway. Don’t you realize that you’re an overpaid babysitter. Raise 5 hyperactive kids while dealing with serious shit and then maybe you can call yourself that, you motherfucker. I really wanted to rip his balls off, but my grandad is there and I didn’t want to give him a heart attack so I decided not to.

We wait a few minutes, and some guy WAVES us over to the counter, he does not even come over to greet us, and then we have to tell him again what we want. It goes smoothly after that, except for the look on the guys face, because he wasn’t getting a fat comission, and had no hopes of getting one. Fuck you, asshole!

When I was in Naples, I went to get a replacement charger for the company phone I had with Sprint . They wanted 40 dollars. I’m sure you can figure out how much I enjoyed that. I got one online for 10 bucks with free shipping.

These guys FAIL at unlimited plans as well, check this out

The FAIL is strong with these guys!

The FAIL is strong with these guys!

I think I proved my point.

This leads to… The commissioned asshole! Yes these providers will try to nickel and dime you for every cent you’re worth. Again Verizon. My granddad broke his phone as most of us do eventually. Now, he’s not the most technically proficient person, which is okay, he’s old, he’s allowed. If you are under 50 though, you’d better know your shit, or else you’re a moron. They sold him a fucking phone with a music player, mobile Internet capabilities that his plan does not even cover, a bluetooth headset he never uses, and all sorts of other bells and whistles that no one really needs,  AND a 40 dollar fucking car charger. Again with the 40 dollar chargers. 40 bucks for a damn transformer. I haven’t seen people get anally gangbanged like that since the last place I worked. I’ll not mention the company name, but we were raping people harder than this, if you can believe it.

The other thing that really makes me want to go on a killing spree is the credit check. Why is this necessary? If they don’t pay you turn the fucking phone off. that’s gotta be cheaper than running credit checks a billion times a day. You guys are truly assholes for this.

Okay, I think I’m going to stop here, I made my point. Don’t like it, boo hoo, deal bitch.