Archive for Super Nintendo

Win vs. Fail #2 Video Game Controllers

Posted in Rants with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2008 by mfugett

There will be massive WIN in this thread.

EPIC WIN

Wiimote + Nunchuck. Only the pill popping, acid tripping Asian sensation known as Nintendo could have ever devised this technological marvel. How do I know they’re on drugs? Well They certainly didn’t come up with a plumber that eats fuckin mushrooms to grow bigger sober. Pikmin? Man I wonder who their supplier is and what he’s giving them over there. In all seriousness though this thing kicks so much ass it’s inconceivable. Judging from Nintendo’s profits it also prints money, lots of fucking money, it has to. How else do you make almost a BILLION dollars in a quarter?

This 1/2 pound amalgamation of buttons, accelerometers, and an infrared camera is pure fucking genius. Not only because of how it works but because it works so well. Also it took the 30 year old controller concept that we’re used to and shoved it into obsolescence. No scratch that, it wtfpwned the 30 year old controller. Thank God. What I really like it for is that when I first played Super Mario Galaxy it felt like the first time I played Super Mario Brothers. It felt new, different, and unlike anything I ever played before. I got that giddy feeling you get when you bang a chick you thought you had no hope of ever getting. Hell after I took a break from my first play of SMG I had a fuckin cigarette. It’s that good.

Everyone laughed when they introduced it, Sony mocked them, Microsoft said they had no hope. Meanwhile almost 3 years later Nintendo is sitting at the best table in the club with all the hot women ordering bottles of dom, ordering lap dances for everyone, and smokin phat blunts yelling, “WHO’S THE BITCH NOW!” I’m proud of you guys, now can we get some storage for my poor little Wii please?

WIN

The Saturn Japanese 6 button controller, the Dreamcast controller, XBOX controller S, and every other controller Nintendo ever made all WIN.

The Saturn pad was the PERFECT fighting game pad ever made. Don’t fuckin argue this one with me. You don’t agree, tough shit and fuck you I AM right on this one. Great feel, perfect button layout, and comfortable as hell. Somehow, they made this thing just the right size and still made it fully functional. For some reason, they redesigned it for the US into a pile of pure shit. Wait, not just a pile, a mountain. Fortunately someone there got high or something and realized, “Dude, we really fucked up that redesign, what we made blows balls, let’s give the Americans a real controller.” Thank you buddy. Cause if you hadn’t done that I would have probably blown up Sega of America in protest.

The DC pad was a great follow up. They put the analog stick in the right spot for proper gaming, and gave us true analog triggers. Something it took Sony 3 generations of hardware to figure out, and they still haven’t got it right. The VMU was a novel idea that developers were too scared to do cool things with. Fuck you devs out there for not trying. Seriously. Although it was shit for fighting games, except Soul Calibur, it was still a good controller for everything else. I really wish you guys still made hardware. 😦

The Controller S was basically a rip of the DC pad, but a correct rip, adding 2 extra buttons, and a more ergonomic feel. It wins for all the reasons mentioned above. This is one of the few M$ products that I’ll stand behind till the day I die. Now can I get a good game that’s not a shooter on 360 please?

The Nes and SNES controllers set the standard for everything to come. a Proper D-pad, which is patented by the way, good button layout, etc. The N64 gave us analog control as well. Again, they put it in the right place. What exactly do I mean by that? The analog stick is positioned in such a way that when you move your thumb forward you’re pointing straight up. On the controller that FAILS, moving your thumb forward moves the stick right. They also put a nifty octagon at the limits of the sticks movement, so it’s easy to lock in up+right, down + left etc. The GC added a second stick and analog triggers to boot. The stick on that controller also feels much better and has the same resistance no matter how far or close to off center you are. It takes the same amount of effort to move it regardless of where it is.

EPIC FAIL

Playstation controllers. They haven changed in 10 years. 10 fuckin years. Really, are these guys that uncreative? first let’s not forget the initial PS3 controller design:

Ur doin it wrong

Umm..... WTF is this?

Wow, I almost forgot how shitty this is! They made fun of the Wiimote after creating this thing? I just threw up in my mouth a bit after seeing it. Even Link wouldn’t use this boomerang. After being laughed out of E3 they reverted back to what we have today. While more attractive, it’s just as shitty.

10 year old design should work just fine rite?

10 year old design should work just fine rite?

These things are small, really small. Like the size of a midget’s dick small. Did I also mention that it’s 10 years old? I did? Good, I’ll say it again, it’s 10 years old. This just shows that at the end of the day Sony is just another media company that can’t truly create anything without ripping everyone else off first. Where do we start?

The buttons have a real lack of feel to them, you have to second guess if you pressed them or not. The Analog triggers have too small a movement range and variable resistance. This variable resistance also translates to the analog sticks, which are STILL in the wrong fucking place. You wouldn’t put a clutch pedal on the ceiling in the car would you? Why would you then make a controller for a 3D game system and put the 3D controls in a secondary position? WHY just fuckin WHY?

Then there is SIXAXIS. Holy fuck is it absolute shit. They saw at the eleventh hour, that the Wii had their motion controllers. Even though they laughed at them in secret they went, “Holy shit, new technology we didn’t think of, quick, rip it off as fast as fucking possible!” They did, and FAILED miserably. I mean really, why did they even bother. Didn’t they learn anything from Sega when they shoehorned in 3D capabilities in the Saturn at the last minute? Did they learn anything from 3DO by releasing at an absurd price? Didn’t they learn anything from Nintendo about making a system easy to make games for?

If there is any true symbol of the PS3’s failure (and yes it has failed) this controller is it. It also shows that they just don’t learn from their or others mistakes. Oh well, at least they’ll be okay for all the people who use PS3’s solely a s media center, it can navagate menus pretty well.

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