Ur doin it wrong – “Sales”

Salespeople

This is singlehandedly the one thing that makes me go…

omgwtfbbqroflcopterepicfailsaucehaxfuckcapitalism!

This system is based around the idea that products need to be “sold”. In truth, I’ve NEVER been sold anything. When I walk into a store, I already have done my research, read the fucking tech blogs, consumer reports, user reviews, etc. and already know EXACTLY what the fuck I want. I also know what accessories I may need to go with said product, and what accessories I don’t need. If you don’t buy shit without doing your homework get the fuck off this page and go kill yourself, because you are a fucking moron and you are polluting the gene pool.  Why would you buy something that qualifies as a major purchase (>50 dollars) without having at least a decent knowledge of what the fuck you are buying?

Anyway, these people are the scum of the fucking universe. They will lie, cheat, and over promise, as the extra crap you are buying under delivers. A particular incident comes to mind.

Back when I shopped at Best Buy an ex-girlfriend of mine needed a new computer. Her’s literally blew up. Fried mobo’s smell like shit, trust me. Now normally I would determine what was still usable from the old system,go on the web to order parts, and build the fucker. This was a special case though, her parents were funding the purchase, and didn’t want me to build it. I understand that as they didn’t really know me, and it is a major purchase.  They wanted it to come from a store. Rather than tell them how stupid they were being, I offered to go to the store with her to make sure she didn’t get screwed. If anyone was going to screw her that day it was going to be me, not a fuckwad sales dickhead.

After looking around the store, I found a HP PC that was perfect on price and specs and flagged down a sales dickhead. He looked rather bored to be working until he saw us. Back in my college days I was rough around the edges, hell we both were. When he saw us, his face lit up. Why? Me, tall, black, skinny, hadn’t shaved in 4 days dressed in sweatpants, and a Pink Floyd t-shirt. Her, cutoff jeans and a Jmmy Buffet t-shirt. To him we looked like a young, dumb interracial couple that was completely clueless. He could hear the cash register before he even got to us. To him this was a slam dunk.

The epicness of his uberfail still makes me smile to this day. As a side note, I never smile. As he came over the exchange began.

“Hello, my name is Dickhead, what can I do for you today?” I responded, “We’d like to buy this computer right here. I see there is a box for it right underneath, if you could get the key to unlock the cage so we can get it, we won’t take up any more of your time.” Now rather than pulling out the key, opening the lock and giving us the fucking product, he starts to go on with his sales bullshit. “Well have you…” I cut him the fuck off. “We’d just like to buy the computer, please.” Now this startled the guy but he gave it another shot, I let him for entertainment sake.

He pulls out the key and works on the lock. “I see you’re set on this model. Do you have a printer?” The GF responded no. “Ah, well right now we’re having a sale on printers…” Now I pop back in, “No, we really don’t have a use for that. Actually let me make this clear, we don’t need anything but the computer, no cables, no printers, no service plans, no extras.” At this point the smile is gone. Then a manager comes over, this is where it gets fun.

This guy goes into even more pointless bullshit, and he gets shot down at every turn. He offers the service plan. I tell him that I am the service plan as I can build computers. He offers more ram, I assure him that the 1 gig in the box is more than sufficient. This goes on for an eternity, which to me in a store is about 3 minutes. Eventually I’ve had enough. “Look asshole we came here to buy a fucking computer, and that’s it. We don’t want any of your extra shit.” he fires back “Well you never know what can go wrong with these things. O RLY?

At this point my head would have exploded but I remembered the fact that I was going to screw the GF later. “I know exactly what can go wrong, I build these motherfuckers. I’ve been servicing computers for over 10 years. I remember when there was no such thing as a hard drive. I remember real floppy disks, DOS and what a piece of shit windows 3.0 was. I’ve repaired hard drives, worked as a computer tech, I keep a house full of computers running with about 96% uptime, I maintain a 16 user network, in my spare time. I’ve got 3 years of computer science under my belt, I can nuke your whole stores POS system with a terminal session and a modem. I know more than you, can I have the fucking box so I don’t have to be near you anymore please.”

We walked up front, bought it and left. The best part, they LOSE money on just a computer purchase alone. The bullshit service plans and accessories is how they make money. But I took it a step further. Another store had the same computer and I bought a second one, and returned the one we bought at that shithole Best Buy, after opening it and taking the plastic and stuff off of it in a manner that they couldn’t put it back on. Now they had to sell it as open box, at a discount. If they had just given me what I wanted in the first place. Cocksuckers.

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